Sunday, 14 February 2016

Valentine's Day With Peter And Jane.


Today is Valentine's Day.

On Valentine's Day, you give special cards and presents to people you love.

Peter has given a card to Susie Watson. 

Susie Watson has blonde hair and blue eyes and smells like synthetic strawberries.

Peter would like to marry Susie Watson when he grows up.

Susie Watson is pleased with Peter's card, but she does not tell him that Johnny Smith and Thomas Simpson have given her cards too.

This is because Susie Watson is already a bit of a tart.






Jane has been given a card by Freddie Dawkins.

Jane is appalled by this. 

Freddie Dawkins is a ginger speccy four eyes who eats his own bogeys.

Jane tears Freddie Dawkins' card into tiny pieces in front of him and tells him to fuck off.

Jane stamps on Freddie Dawkins' heart and condemns him to a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships with women.




Daddy says Valentine's Day is a fucking rip off, foisted on us by card shops and florists.

Nonetheless, Daddy has bought Mummy flowers and a card and is taking her out for dinner tonight.

Daddy tells Peter this is because Mummy will throw a fucking shit fit otherwise.


Daddy tells Peter to never get married.

Daddy says women are deranged harpies who bleed you dry, and send you to an early grave. 

Peter is sure Susie Watson will never drink gin and shout all the time like Mummy does.

This is because Peter does not know about PMT.




Mummy is relatively happy with 
the flowers and card, but also a bit fucking cross that Daddy has not bought any shiny things for her.

Mummy tells Jane to never get married, because men are liars who trap you with false promises and then steal your youth and crush your dreams.

Jane knows she is not ever going to get married anyway, because boys smell, but if Jane did get married she would marry a good husband who does not work all the time like Daddy does.

Daddy says he has to work all the time because fucking Mummy spends all his money on sodding shoes and cunting cushions.

It is true that Mummy does have a lot of shoes and cushions.






Mummy and Daddy are ready to go out. 

Mummy is wearing a dress that shows her bosoms. 

Daddy says the evening is looking up.

Peter and Jane wonder why he says it's looking up, when it is plain to everyone that he is looking down Mummy's dress.




Peter and Jane watch TV with the babysitter and wonder if Mummy and Daddy have any idea how much therapy they are going to need when they grow up.

Later, Peter and Jane are woken up by the sound of Mummy and Daddy making drunken noises in the sitting room.






Peter and Jane both avoid the sofa the next morning. 

There are some very dubious stains on it.