Saturday, 5 March 2016

Peter and Jane Go To The Supermarket

Today, Peter and Jane are going to the supermarket with Mummy.

Mummy drives a 4x4, so the supermarket they are going to is Waitrose.

Peter and Jane actually prefer Asda because of the aisles upon aisles of plastic tat, but Mummy says Asda is very Soviet and no place for her nice 4x4.

Daddy says Mummy is a pretentious twat, who is wasting unnecessary money on Essential Pannacottas just so she can get a free cup of coffee in a tasteful cardboard cup.

At the supermarket, Mummy gets a trolley.  

Peter and Jane like to help Mummy push the trolley.

Peter and Jane demonstrate how they would like to help Mummy by hanging onto the trolley and screaming at each other to fuck off, until they have a hit and run incident with an old lady.

Another part of Mummy dies inside.

One of Mummy's dearest wishes is to appear on the 'Overheard in Waitrose' website.  

You are only truly middle class when you have been overheard in Waitrose.

Peter picks up a packet.

'Is this bacon?' Peter asks Mummy.

'No, Peter, how many times do I have to tell you, that is PANCETTA!' says Mummy.

'I don't like pancetta, I like bacon.  And baked beans!'  says Peter.

Mummy will not be Overheard in Waitrose this week.

Mummy and Peter and Jane see Perfect Lucy Atkinson and her Perfect Mummy coming down an aisle towards them.

Mummy quickly throws packets of quinoa in the trolley to cover her red label bargains.

'Hello!'  says Lucy Atkinson's Perfect Mummy 'Gosh, quinoa, how quaint!  I didn't even know people still ate quinoa!'

Mummy and Peter and Jane each silently imagine creative and painful ways of killing Perfect Lucy and her Perfect Mummy and disposing of the bodies in the Perfect Murder.

Now Mummy and Peter and Jane are in the gin aisle.

Gin makes Mummy happy.

Lost in contemplation of the bottles and bottles of gin; imagining the blissful numbness from the stark horror of reality each dear sweet bottle holds, Mummy doesn't even notice that Jane is hitting Peter and Peter is pulling Jane's hair and they are both making noises like strangulated parrots and People Are Looking.

Mummy is in her happy place.

Back in the car, Mummy realises she has spent £274.63, and yet there is not actually anything for dinner.

Peter and Jane are still fighting.

Mummy weeps silently into her free latte, in its tasteful, duck egg blue, cardboard cup and thinks maybe she should have gone to Asda, where Peter and Jane appear more like normal children.

Then Mummy remembers the lovely bottle of posh gin she bought, and cheers up enough to drive her 4x4 home to open it.

Mummy is pretty sure Asda doesn't sell posh gin.