Friday, 5 February 2016

Meet Peter and Jane

This is Peter.

This is Jane.

This is the Dog.

Peter and Jane live in a house with Mummy and Daddy. 

Mummy isn't talking to Daddy, because Daddy fails to appreciate what fucking little bastards Peter and Jane are, and how tired Mummy is from washing Daddy's pants and not killing Peter and Jane.

  Mummy would like Daddy to show his gratitude by buying her shiny presents. 

Mummy thinks Daddy is a twat, and can whistle if he thinks he'll get a shag out of her. 

Daddy thinks Mummy is a bit of a psycho who has spent all the money for shiny presents on tat and gin.

On Monday, Peter writes in his school journal about what he did at the weekend. 

Peter writes 'Mummy got pissed up on gin and let me watch the Inbetweeners.  I learned lots of new words like 'Buswanker' and 'Clunge'.  These are good words.  The Inbetweeners is funny.'

Peter brings his journal home to show Mummy.

There is a note in his journal for Mummy, from Peter's teacher.
Mummy says "What the fuck did you write that for?" 

Peter says "Because that is what happened, you buswanker." 

Mummy says "Why couldn't you just make something up, you little shit?" 

Peter thinks Mummy is a hypocritical bitch. 

The note from the teacher is not a nice note. 

Mummy has a little gin, even though it is Monday.

On Tuesday, Jane has PE. 

Mummy has accidently given Jane the wrong PE kit. 

Jane has Peter's PE kit. 

The other children point and laugh. 

Jane thinks dark thoughts. 

Jane would like to stab the other children and set Mummy on fire. 

Thinking these things makes Jane happy again.

On Wednesday, Peter and Jane go to Granny's house for tea. 

Peter and Jane like Granny's house. 

Just before Mummy picks them up, Granny gives Peter and Jane some noisy toys to take home and lets them eat a big bag of Haribos.

Mummy says fucking Granny needs a one way ticket to Switzerland.

Peter and Jane don't understand why Mummy wants Granny to go to Switzerland. 

If Granny was in Switzerland, she could not give Peter and Jane noisy toys and Haribos.

When they get home, Peter and Jane bounce off the walls and scream for several hours, while Mummy cries and drinks gin.

On Thursday, the Dog pisses on the sofa. 

Peter knows Mummy loves the Dog more than him, because when Peter pissed on the sofa, Mummy said he was a revolting little fucktard, and she was going to sell him to a fucking zoo. 

When the Dog pisses on the sofa, Mummy says he is a naughty-waughty boysie. 

Peter kicks the Dog when Mummy isn't looking. 

Peter does not like The Dog.

On Friday, Peter and Jane have pizza for tea, as a treat. 

Mummy says it is a treat, but Jane heard her saying it is because she is sick of cooking for those ungrateful little twats. 

Jane does not care, Jane likes pizza. 

While Peter and Jane eat the pizza, that Mummy only burnt a little bit, Mummy gets stuck into finishing the litre bottle of gin she has been steadily working her way through all week. 

On Saturday, Mummy takes Peter and Jane to the park. 

Peter and Jane like the park. 

Mummy does not like the park.  Mummy has a hangover and would like the world to fuck off now please.

Peter and Jane play on the swings. 

Mummy sits on a bench and considers the existential black hole that is her life. 

Mummy decides to cheer herself up by looking at Facebook and finding someone to judge.
While Mummy is looking at Facebook, Jane falls off the swing and hurts her knee. 

Mummy does not notice Jane is screeching about something until Jane bleeds on her.

Mummy placates Jane with a lollipop of dubious antiquity. 

Peter screams that this is unfair. 

Mummy finds a mouldy jelly baby at the bottom of her bag and convinces Peter it is meant to be that colour.

When Peter and Jane have stopped crying, Mummy shouts at them until they assume a pose that Mummy deems worthy of Instagram. 

Mummy posts the photo of Mummy, Peter and Jane having a lovely day in the park in the hope that it will make other people feel a bit shit about themselves. 

Mummy also hopes it will help bolster the illusion that she is a loving and competent parent instead of a barely functioning alcoholic.

Mummy wonders if it is time for gin yet.

On Sunday, some people go to church. 

Peter and Jane do not go to church, because Mummy and Daddy say there is no God and there is only a empty, black void after we die. 

Instead of going to church, Peter and Jane watch Netflix while they wait for Mummy and Daddy to get out of bed. 

There are funny noises coming from Mummy and Daddy's bedroom. 

Peter and Jane turn up the volume on Netflix.