Friday, 19 February 2016

Peter and Jane And The Sleepover.




Today is Friday

Jane is having a sleepover.

Peter is discouraged from having sleepovers, because when he does, the whole house smells of fart for days.

Mummy also suspects all groups of small boys are conspiring to set things on fire.




Jane's friends have arrived for the sleepover.

Jane has invited Tilly, Milly, Lucy, Katie and Sophie. 

Mummy tries to remember their names, but they have blurred into one amorphous wittering ball of hair and glitter.




Mummy gives The Tillymillylucykatiesophiejane Budgie some dinner.

Mummy is definitely not going to have any gin tonight while she is responsible for Other People's Children.

"Are these chicken nuggets homemade?" asks Milly.

"My Mummy only lets us have homemade organic chicken nuggets." says Tilly.

Mummy lies that the chicken nuggets are definitely homemade and eyes the gin bottle longingly, while hiding the Findus box.

"Actually, I am a vegetarian." says Lucy.

"OOOOOOH, tomato ketchup!" squawks Katie.

Katie is not allowed tomato ketchup at home.

Sophie is not allowed tomato ketchup at home either.

Katie and Sophie put the judo lessons their mummies have been paying a ridiculous amount of money for to good use, by wrestling over the tomato ketchup.

There is now tomato ketchup all over the kitchen, and all over Katie and Sophie.

Mummy feels her will to live ebbing away and opens the gin.




Tilly, Milly, Lucy, Katie, Sophie and Jane have been playing 'makeovers'.  

Tilly, Milly, Lucy, Katie, Sophie and Jane now look like tiny drag queen hookers.

A thick, choking cloud of glitter drifts through the house.

Mummy wonders if she should complete their hooker look by offering them a gin.

Mummy thinks "No.  That would be bad, because this is my gin and I do not want to share it."




Peter wants to play with the girls.

Peter knows a good game.

Peter's game is called 'Running Into Jane's Bedroom, Farting, And Running Out Again.'

Peter is very good at this game, because he has been saving up his farts all day to play it.

Every time he runs in, the girls all scream like banshees.

Jane screeches if he does it again, she will superglue his bottom shut.

Mummy knows there are witnesses to her parenting tonight, so she tells Jane that she must not speak to her brother like that.

Peter runs in and farts again.

The girls all scream again.

Mummy shouts that if Peter does that again, she will stick a cork up his bottom and then fucking superglue it shut.

"My mummy doesn't let us say 'fart'" says Lucy

Mummy's head hurts, and she would quite like to slap bloody Lucy.




Now it is bedtime.  

Mummy has locked Peter in his own fetid lair.

Tilly, Milly, Lucy, Katie, Sophie and Jane are trying to take off their make up.

Mummy's White Company towels are now liberally caked in lurid smears of blue eyeshadow and cerise lipstick and tomato ketchup.  

And the glitter.  Oh dear God, the glitter.


However, Tilly, Milly, Lucy, Katie, Sophie and Jane have not stopped wittering like demented budgies for six hours, and Mummy no longer cares about anything but gin.




The next morning Tilly, Milly, Lucy, Katie and Sophie are collected by their mummies.

Ten minutes before the other mummies arrive, Mummy gives Tilly, Milly, Lucy, Katie and Sophie a big bag of Haribos each and tells them to eat them very quickly.

Mummy is smiling through her hangover as she waves goodbye.

Mummy stops smiling when Peter opens his window and pisses out of it, because she forgot to unlock his bedroom door.

Poor Mummy.