Today, Peter and Jane are having an Open Afternoon at school.
Open Afternoons are a fun opportunity for all the mummies and some of the daddies to come to school and compete to show how much they love their children by making enthusiastic noises about random crap.
The mummy that manages to make the best happy noises wins a Boden catalogue.
Mummies that don't come to Open Afternoons are judged, and pelted with organic quinoa by the Boden Mummies.
Mummy goes to Peter's classroom first.
Every time Mummy leaves the school, she forgets the stench created by twenty small children farting determinedly in a classroom.
Teachers should really be issued with gas masks.
"Look at this, Mummy" shouts Peter.
Mummy has no idea what this piece of shit is, that Peter is waving in her face.
"Wonderful, darling." says Mummy "You are very clever."
Peter drags Mummy round the classroom, pointing out many indiscriminate objects made of papier mache.
Then Mummy has to look through Peter's drawer. There are sticky things in there. Mummy tries not to think what they might be.
Mummy just keeps smiling and chanting "Wonderful darling, very good."
Mummy will not be judged today.
Peter's class do a play next.
Mummy is not entirely sure what the play is about.
Peter plays a dog.
Peter dies in the first scene and spends the rest of the play rolling around on the floor, while Sally Jenkins kicks him and tells him to keep still.
It is a very long play. Mummy is surprised when she looks at her watch to see that only three minutes have passed.
A Boden Mummy spots Mummy looking at her watch and rolling her eyes. It seems Mummy will be judged today after all.
Next, Mummy goes to Jane's classroom.
Jane is sulking because Mummy went to Peter's classroom first.
"I cannot be in two places at once." says Mummy.
"Why not?" says Jane "Perfect Mrs Atkinson can."
Mummy would like to shout that Perfect Mrs Atkinson and her Perfect bending of the laws of fucking physics can fuck right off, but she cannot, because it is Open Afternoon and the Boden Mummies are watching, with their mental clipboards poised to tick off any Imperfect Moments by Bad Mummies, so instead Mummy smiles through gritted teeth and says "How nice for Perfect Mrs Atkinson. I will endeavour to work harder on building a time machine."
"Good." says Jane.
Jane's class has been learning about the Vikings. As part of this topic, Mummy had build to a Viking longship out of tooth picks and tears, and pretend that Jane made it.
Mummy is still unsure what exactly this taught Jane about the Vikings, but Mummy was quite proud of her longship.
Mummy's longship is the worst one in the class.
Perfect Mrs Atkinson has built a full size longship, and staffed it with the extras from the Viking programme with all the shagging.
Mrs Jenkins not only built a longship, she also built scale models of Saxon castles for her mini Viking figures to rape and pillage in, and has come dressed as a berserker, to encourage Johnny.
"Yours is a bit shit really, Mummy" says Jane.
In a final act of revenge for the farting children, the teacher makes all the mummies sit on the floor like five year olds and take part in a 'Mental Maths Challenge'.
Perfect Mrs Atkinson pushes to the front so she can display her superior knowledge and enthusiasm and win the Best Mummy Prize.
"What is 11 x 12?" asks the teacher.
"120!!!!!" shouts out Mrs Atkinson.
"Ah ha ha ha fucking ha, you stupid twat." thinks Mummy.
The Boden Mummies shake their heads sorrowfully as they hurl the organic quinoa at Mrs Atkinson and log her out of her Boden account forever.