Friday, 12 February 2016

Peter and Jane and the Rainy Day.

Today is a rainy day.

It is also half term, so Peter and Jane do not have to go to school.

Denied her state funded child care for a week, Mummy has been forced to rely on unlimited Netflix instead.

Today Mummy has been looking at Pinterest though, and so Peter and Jane are doing crafts with Mummy, so Mummy can show off to strangers on the internet too.

Mummy is shit at crafts.

Peter and Jane are shit at crafts.

'What the fuck is this bollocks you have made?' Mummy says.  

Peter and Jane and Mummy are going for a walk in the rain.

Mummy thinks if they are all outside where there are witnesses, she is less likely to kill Peter and Jane.

'Don't fall in that muddy puddle, Peter.' Mummy says.

Peter falls face down in the muddy puddle.

Mummy knows that children can drown in only an inch of water.

Mummy does not hold Peter face down in the puddle.

Only a small part of Mummy wanted to do that anyway.

Peter and Jane are feeding bread to the ducks.

A lady comes over to talk to Peter and Jane.

'Do you know that bread is very bad for the ducks?' the lady asks.

The lady tells them they can buy special organic duck food in the visitor centre.

Mummy tells the lady to fuck off and the Dog pisses on the lady's leg.

Mummy takes Peter and Jane into the Visitor Centre cafe for a treat.

Mummy tells Peter and Jane not to squeeze their juice cartons.

Peter and Jane squeeze their juice cartons.

Jane says Peter's biscuit is bigger than hers.

Peter tells Jane that is because Mummy loves him more than Jane.

Jane tries to stab Peter in the eye with her straw.

People begin to stare.

At home, Mummy puts Netflix back on, and opens the gin.

Mummy gets a straw.

Mummy logs in to Pinterest and thinks about running away.

Mummy would like to run away to a quirky cottage, with vintage keepsakes arranged amusingly in unusual ways, and tasteful yet practical craft projects displayed on the walls, and children that are not Peter and Jane.

Actually, Mummy will not have any children in her quirky cottage.

Mummy is so over children.