Friday, 15 April 2016

Peter and Jane Go For A Walk In The Woods.




Today, Peter and Jane and Mummy are going on a lovely woodland walk with the Dog.

It is peaceful and quiet in the woods.

The birds are singing.

The leaves are rustling.

There are carpets of bluebells.

The sun is shining.




'I have picked you some bluebells, Mummy' says Jane.

'Look at me frolicking adorably on the rope swing!' says Peter.

'Can I play on the rope swing with you, Peter?' asks Jane.

'Of course, Jane!  It will be fun to play on the swing together!' says Peter.

Peter and Jane let Mummy take lots of photographs for Instagram and Facebook, without any crying or swearing at Mummy, and Mummy does not even have to bribe or threaten them!

Mummy feels very smug as she uploads her photos, complete with appropriately smug, vomit making captions.

'Ha!' Mummy thinks 'Take that, you perfect bloody Boden mummies, ram that up your quirkily patterned skirt and swivel on it, we are having SUCH FUN!!!!'




'Where is the Dog?' Jane asks Mummy.

'Oh fuck.' says Mummy.

The Dog has run away while Mummy was distracted by sharing the smugness.

Bad Things often happen when the Dog runs away.

'Quick, children!  We must look for the Dog!!!'  says Mummy.

'I don't want to look for the Dog.  I hate the Dog.  The Dog is an arsehole ' says Peter.

'I hate you.  You are an arsehole.  In fact, you are an arsemonster.  I wish you were lost instead of the Dog.' says Jane.

Peter hits Jane.  Jane tries to hang Peter from the rope swing.  There is a lot of screaming, and the birds are no longer singing.  It is not peaceful anymore.

The sun goes in.




Mummy is very worried about the Dog.

If someone finds the Dog doing Bad Things, they will probably post something passive aggressive on Facebook, along the lines of 'To the shouting deranged woman with the very bad dog and the delinquent children, you are a terrible person and your life is shit and I have a good mind to name and shame you actually.'

If this happens, there is an excellent chance people will work out that it is Mummy that is being referred to, and then they will know that Mummy's life really is a bit shit and is not all made up of #happymemories in sunny glades and in fact Mummy is neither #soblessed or #livingthedream.

If Mummy's perfect social media life is outed as a fraud, there is really no point in carrying on anymore.

The Boden Mummies will judge her, and probably burn her at the stake.




'I see the Dog!!!' shouts Peter, pointing across a ravine.

'I see the Dog!!!' shouts Jane, pointing into an enormous bramble patch.

Peter plunges over the edge of the ravine and Jane dives into the bramble patch.

Peter and Jane are both screaming loudly, when a cross lady phones Mummy and says she has found the Dog.

'You are a very bad dogger.' says the cross lady.

Mummy would quite like to tell the cross lady to fuck off, but she daren't, because Facebook, so Mummy just says 'Yes, I am.'




After Mummy has retrieved the Dog from the cross lady and scraped Peter off the river bed and hauled Jane out of the brambles, and wiped the worst of the blood off them both, they go home.

When Daddy comes home, Mummy is drinking gin and crying and obsessively checking Facebook.

'Why are you crying now?' asks Daddy.

Mummy sobs harder.

'You have had a lovely, wholesome, jolly day, frolicking with our adorable children and delightful dog, whereas I have had to spend the day being very busy and important at my very busy and important job.' says Daddy.

Mummy considers throwing the gin bottle at Daddy's head, but there is still quite a lot of precious gin in it.

'Oh do fuck off, you twat.'  says Mummy.