Thursday, 7 April 2016

Peter and Jane and the Easter Holidays




This week, it is the Easter holidays.

In the school holidays, there are lots of activity camps and sports camps, for the children to have fun at.

Mummy says they are a fucking rip off and she is not forking out.

Mummy says she is perfectly capable of having fun with Peter and Jane herself.

Mummy seems to have forgotten who she is.




On Monday, Mummy takes Peter and Jane and the Dog for a picnic.

Mummy has brought bunting and sausage rolls and dreams, even though it is pissing mercilessly with rain.

'I am too cold' whines Jane.

'When can we go?' shouts Peter

'Why can't we go to McDonalds?' sobs Jane.

'What is the Dog doing to that sheep?' asks Peter.



On Tuesday, Jane remembers that Perfect Lucy Atkinson has gone skiing this week.

'Why haven't we gone skiing?' Jane asks Daddy.

'We cannot go skiiing, because Mummy chose to spend the price of a skiing holiday on seventy five million Laura Ashley cushions instead.' says Daddy.

'Also, we can't go on holiday because the Dog is not allowed in the kennels anymore because he is an ASBO dog.'  says Peter.

Jane had forgotten that the Dog has an ASBO because he ate the Atkinsons' chihuahua.

Mummy drank a lot of gin on that day.




On Wednesday, Mummy takes Peter and Jane to Waitrose, to replenish her supplies of bunting and sausage rolls for lovely picnics.

Ten minutes later, Mummy and Peter and Jane leave Waitrose.

Mummy needs to find a new Waitrose now.




On Thursday, Mummy is cooking Peter and Jane a delicious, healthy dinner, because she has read an article in the Daily Mail that says all the sausage rolls she has been feeding Peter and Jane to shut them up are probably causing behavioral problems, as well as the cancer that is caused by everything in the Daily Mail.

'Mummy, can I buy this app?' says Peter.

'No!' says Mummy.

'Mummy, can I buy this over priced piece of pointless plastic tat from Amazon?' says Peter five minutes later.

'NO!  Fuck off!'  says Mummy.

'Mummy, can I buy this app that is slightly different to the one I just asked to buy?' says Peter.

'NO!  NO, YOU FUCKING CAN'T!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, I AM COOKING, NOW FUCK OFF!!!!' says Mummy.

'Mummy, can I buy this piece of pointless tat from Amazon then?' says Peter.

'If you don't fucking fuck the fuck right fucking off this fucking minute, I am going to fucking stab you.' says Mummy.




On Friday, Mummy decides to take Peter and Jane to an art gallery and museum for a day of culture.

When the policeman has finished interviewing Mummy and Peter and Jane, Mummy telephones one of the activity camps.

Mummy sobs pitifully into her gin as she offers to pay them any money, any money at all, if they will just take Peter and Jane next week.