Friday, 22 April 2016

Peter and Jane Go Back To School




Peter and Jane are going back to school tomorrow.

The holidays have been a very long two weeks for Mummy, trying to think of things for Peter and Jane to do that do not involve extortionate amounts of money or extreme violence.

As a result, Mummy now has glitter in places even Essex girls don't glitter, and a deep loathing for Pinterest craft boards.




Mummy asks Peter and Jane to look out their school uniforms, school shoes and PE kits, and pack their school bags ready for the morning.

Peter and Jane assure Mummy that they have done this.

Mummy is feeling a beatific glow at the thought of Peter and Jane going back to school, and all the things she will be able to achieve without them.







The next morning, Peter and Jane tell Mummy they have no school uniform or PE kit.

Mummy says they must look for it.

Peter and Jane continue to flatly deny the existence of any uniforms or PE kits whatsoever, despite Mummy's increasing cross demands that they just fucking look for them.

Eventually Mummy is forced to go and find the uniforms and PE kits herself, which are of course in the uniform and PE kit drawers, where Mummy put them at the start of the holidays.

Mummy suspects the same performance will be enacted with the school shoes, and Mummy is right, but she thwarts Peter and Jane by finding the shoes before they can tell her they are lost.

'Ha' thinks Mummy to herself 'See?  I am going to be Mrs Totally Organised this term, and not ever late with all the important things lost again, let the fuckers judge me now.'





Silly Mummy has underestimated Peter and Jane.

As they leave the house, Jane cunningly hands Mummy the Very Important Letter that Jane hid at the start of the holidays.

The Very Important Letter has a Very Important Permission Slip that must be returned today, along with a Very Large Cheque.

Mummy completely understands why some people put vodka on their cornflakes instead of milk.



Mummy finally gets Peter and Jane to school and pushes them in the gate so she can scuttle off before she is cornered by a Boden Mummy, demanding to know if she 'had a good break?'

Mummy does not know what is wrong with these women.

School holidays are not a 'break', 'breaks' involve many potent cocktails, and delightful novels by Jilly Cooper and Penny Vincenzi, and other people doing the cooking.

School holidays involve none of these lovely things; school holidays are a damp, sticky, glitter smeared Purgatory and the best you can hope for is to endure to the end while retaining a modicum of liver function, and with both children still alive.  




Mummy goes home and thinks she will just have a very quick look at Facebook, before she does the many Important and Organised things that she plans to do today.

Facebook is full of the Boden Mummies bewailing how much they miss their perfect children now school is back.

Mummy wonders if the Boden Mummies are actually all on drugs.

Mummy sees that a girl she didn't like when they were at school together has commented on someone else's photo.

Mummy decides to have the tiniest peek at this woman's profile to see if she is now fat and aging badly, and if Mummy can feel superior to her.




Suddenly Mummy realises that it is time to pick up Peter and Jane from school and she has spent all day judging strangers on Facebook and watching videos of cats and taking quizzes to find out what sort of cushion she was in a past life.

Mummy's resolution to be Mrs Totally Organised is not going very well.