Friday, 3 June 2016

Peter and Jane Go To The Swimming Pool

Today, Peter and Jane are going swimming, because they are holding Mummy to a rash and foolish promise Mummy made in a moment of weakness.

They are holding Mummy to her promise by whining on and on about when are they going to go swimming, until Mummy concludes it is less painful to just take them bloody swimming, than to have to keep listening to the moaning about swimming.

Daddy is not coming swimming with Peter and Jane, because Daddy has made up a pathetic excuse about how he has to stay at home and fix things around the house in a manly way.

Mummy knows perfectly well that the minute she leaves the house Daddy will go and watch football on the TV.  

In the unlikely event that there is no football on the TV, Daddy will watch stupid programmes about building cars instead, because Daddy is a knob, with crap taste in TV.

However, the whinging from Daddy if she makes him come swimming with them will be even worse than the whining from Peter and Jane if she does not take them swimming, so Mummy lets Daddy stay at home because she cannot face dragging a third bloody child out swimming.

"Go and pack your swimming bags" says Mummy to Peter and Jane.

Mummy checks the swimming bags.

Peter has packed Seal Sticks, goggles, three balls and a water pistol, but has no towel or swimming trunks.

Jane has packed five different swimming costumes because she 'couldn't decide', four towels 'in case', and seven lip glosses, three eyeshadows, hair mascara, glitter and seventeen different hair accessories 'for afterwards.

Mummy says "Peter, where are your swimming trunks and towel?  Jane, I have told you before that just because we have to take off our clothes in public, I am not going to let you leave looking like a tiny Vegas stripper."

Peter looks at Mummy blankly, and Jane looks at Mummy mutinously as Mummy repacks both bags.

In the swimming pool changing rooms, Peter and Jane immediately strip off all their clothes and hurl them in as many directions as possible.

Mummy repeatedly shouts "Pick up your fucking clothes!  Put on your sodding swimming costumes!" as Peter and Jane hurtle naked around the room, looking for pools of water left by previous occupants in which they can slip and hurt themselves and thus scream at Mummy while Mummy snarls "I fucking told you so!" and old ladies look on and tut.

Mummy finally grabs Peter and Jane and thrusts their swimming costumes at them, at which point Peter and Jane decide to deny any knowledge of ever being able to dress themselves, and so Mummy has to hoist them into their costumes herself if she wants to escape this bacteria smeared shithole any time before Christmas.

Lastly, Mummy has to wrestle herself into her own swimming costume while Peter and Jane stare at her beadily in the hope of catching a glimpse of her unmentionables so they can ask loud, awkward questions about where babies come from.

Mummy realises too late that she really should have had a bikini wax before this outing.

Peter and Jane race out the changing rooms into the pool, while Mummy trails after them, ineffectually shrieking "Don't run!  Don't jump! FUCKS SAKE!" as Peter cannonballs into the water on top of an old lady swimming sedate lengths.

Mummy gingerly lowers herself into the pool, trying not to think about other people's feet, or how many of the old ladies in the pool are likely to be incontinent.

After half an hour, most of which Peter and Jane have spent running round the bastarding pool, rather than in the fetid water, Mummy is hoarse from screaming her mantra of "Don't RUN!  Don't JUMP!  FUCKS SAKE!!!" and she can no longer bear the judgemental looks of the life guard and tells Peter and Jane that it is time to get out.

"NOOOOOOO!" scream Peter and Jane "NOT YET!  Five more minutes!"

Mummy is being firm and putting her foot down.  "No."  says Mummy "We are getting out now!"

Peter and Jane continue to screech.

"OK" says Mummy, as another part of her soul dies, "Just five more minutes."

Back in the death trap changing rooms, Mummy thrusts Peter and Jane into shower cubicles, carefully adjusts the temperature to a child friendly lukewarm and tells them to take off their costumes and get washed and not to touch the shower controls,
in the vain hope that she might avoid bathtime tonight.

Mummy gets into the shower herself to wash off the foot soup from the pool, and as soon as she has taken her costume off Peter roars "MY SHOWER HAS GONE BURNY HOT!!!" and Jane screechs "MY SHOWER HAS GONE ICY COLD!!!"

Mummy gets out and readjusts the temperatures and tells them again not to touch the shower controls.

This scenario is repeated several times before Mummy gives up and hauls Peter and Jane out of the shower.

When Peter and Jane are finally dressed, they begin to demand to go to the cafe for hot chocolate, invoking once again the magic words 'you promised!'

"I did not fucking promise" says Mummy "I said we might, if you were good, and you weren't good, you were twatting little shit bags, so now we are going home because Mummy needs a fucking drink, not to have her pain insulted with a cup of pishy crap coffee."

At home, Daddy has carefully got out lots of dangerous tools and left them lying around the house for Peter and Jane to find.

Daddy is drinking beer and watching car programmes on the TV at the same time as watching football on his phone.

"Hello"says Daddy "Did you all have lots of fun at swimming?"

Mummy looks at the hammer Daddy has so foolishly left lying within reach and thinks again about a shallow grave in the woods.