Today, Peter and Jane learned about 'Living And Growing' at school.
'Living And Growing' might sound like a nice day learning about plants, but actually it is what used to be called sex education.
Lots of mummies have repeatedly asked the school to tell them when the children will be learning about 'Living And Growing', so they can brace themselves and avoid doing things like asking Granny for tea that night, but the school think it is much funnier to not give any warning until the children run into the playground shouting "PEEEEEENIIIIIIIIS!!!!!!"
Peter runs up to Mummy shouting "PENIS PENIS PENIS!!!! VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA!"
Jane looks pale and shell shocked.
"Let us never speak of this again" says Jane.
"DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A VAGINA, MUMMY?" shouts Peter.
"Er, yes, thank you, I did." says Mummy, who is British and thus has never had cause to say the word 'vagina' in her life, relying instead on the suitably vague and euphemistic 'down there' if she had to make any mention of unmentionable things.
Granny, of course, is coming to tea tonight.
"Granny, did you know that you make a baby by a man putting his penis in your vagina?" says Peter.
Granny begins to choke.
"Would you like a gin and tonic, Granny?" says Mummy.
"YES!" says Granny "Yes, I bloody would!"
"You have three children, Granny" Peter says "That means Grandpa must have put his penis in your vagina three times, doesn't it? And Daddy must have put his penis in Mummy's vagina two times. Did you know Daddy had put his penis in Mummy's vagina, Granny?"
"Make it a large gin, Mummy" says Granny.
"Already done." says Mummy, as she tips half a bottle of Tanqueray Export into a glass with a mere hint of tonic and wonders what on earth was wrong with the old way, where Mummy found out about sex from a book about breeding rabbits and eventually an embarrassed teacher stood at the front of the class and mumbled something about periods before hurling a box of sanitary towels on the desk and fleeing.
Yes, Mummy was a bit confused about the whole sex thing for many years until she discovered 'More' magazine, and the Reverse Cowgirl, 'Just 17' having been no help whatsoever with its prim counsel to never, ever have sex ever, or even do kissing if you could avoid it, because boys were filthy, depraved beasts who were only interested in One Thing, but she survived and is no more repressed than is perfectly normal, and at least Mummy never felt the need to discuss such things with her grandmother over the tea table.
"Granny," says Peter "How did Uncle James and Uncle Simon have a baby?"
"MORE GIN, MUMMY!" says Granny.
"Mummy, do you enjoy having a sexual relationship with Daddy?" asks Peter.
Mummy's first inclination is to simply say "No" to this question, but she is afraid that Peter will tell all the teachers she said this and they will judge her.
Instead, despite the diktats in the leaflet they got home many weeks ago threatening them with 'Living and Growing', that insisted they were to be 'open and honest' with the children when they asked impertinent things, Mummy mumbles "Go and tidy your room."
"But I still have lots of questions!" says Peter
By the time Daddy comes home from work, Granny is shitfaced, which means she is making sweeping and mildly racist statements, and reminding Mummy why Granny isn't usually allowed strong drink.
Mummy is rocking in a corner with the dregs of the gin bottle, hoping everyone will just fuck off and leave her in her happy place.
Peter is singing a jolly song about genitals to the tune of 'Twinkle Twinkle'.
"Look Peter," says Mummy evilly, "Daddy's home, why don't you ask him the rest of your questions, Daddy would be happy to answer them."
Mummy tips the rest of the gin down her throat and cackles maniacally, while Daddy stands like a bunny in the headlights, trying to work out what the fuck he is supposed to say when his son asks him his opinion on wanking.