Today it is Sports Day at Peter and Jane's school.
Peter and Jane have mixed feelings about Sports Day.
On the one hand, anything that gets them out of school work, must be A Good Thing.
On the other hand, Peter and Jane are not very good at Team Spirit or Taking Part.
Peter and Jane are more inclined towards the Fight To Death, Hunger Games approach to sporting events.
This is frowned upon by the school.
Mummy has come to Sports Day.
All the Boden Mummies are at Sports Day, and they have made all the Boden Daddies come too, and bring giant Boden cameras so no one else can see past.
Peter and Jane's Daddy has not come to Sports Day, as he said he had to be busy and important at the office, though Mummy distinctly heard him mutter "And I'd rather stick pins in my eyes" as he made his excuses and left.
Mummy can't really blame Daddy, she wouldn't be here in this sweaty, fetid hellhole either if she had been able to think of an excuse.
In Mummy's head, Sports Day are gracious and elegant events, involving strawberries and deckchairs and cricket pavilions (even though Mummy isn't totally sure what a cricket pavilion is, but it sounds civilised) and floaty dresses and shady hats and gallons of Pimms.
It's possible that Mummy has got Sports Day muddled up with some sort of Merchant Ivory fantasy, as each year she is disappointed anew at the loathsome spectacle that is the reality of Sports Day.
The Boden Mummies are not wearing delightful hats and silken dresses, they are all crammed into hideous Lycra from a terrifying shop called Lulu Lemon, which is a stupid name.
Mummy looked at the Lulu Lemon website once. It was not for her.
The Boden Mummies are all stretching in preparation for the Mummies' Race.
Mummy will not be taking part in the Mummies' Race because she is not a fucking stupid exhibitionist.
The headmistress walks by.
The headmistress has been to Lulu Lemon too.
The headmistress is a large lady and the effect is unfortunate.
Mummy hides from the headmistress.
The headmistress does not like Mummy.
There are a number of reasons for this, not least Mummy suggesting that Sports Day, and indeed all school events, would be vastly improved if there was a bar.
The headmistress and Mummy have also had some disagreements about Mummy's notion that it might be an awfully nice idea if the school concentrated on teaching Peter and Jane to read and write instead of wasting at least one day a week on something wanky and pointless like 'Diversity Day' where they all were supposed to dress up like a foreigner, only Mummy forgot.
Peter and Jane's repeated attempts to set the school on fire have not really helped Mummy's relationship with the headmistress either.
Peter and Jane both shout at Mummy to come and watch them in the 'Sporting Events'.
"Where are the races?" asks Mummy
"We are not doing races for the children this year" says Perfect Lucy Atkinson's Perfect Mummy, as she crosses the finish line first in the Mummies' Race.
"It is upsetting for the ones who come last, so we are just having lots of non-competitive events, to show them that everyone is a winner."
"Bollocks to that" says Mummy "I want to watch the fat kid trying to eat his egg in the egg and spoon race, and the speccy kid that no one likes getting shoved in his sack head first for the sack race. I have not come to listen to a bunch of fucking little bastards screaming their heads off while they chuck bean bags round and sing Kum Bye Fucking Yah. I want entertainment. And a sodding bar"
Mummy cheers up a bit when she has to watch some children trying to kick a football in a goal and a fat boy manages to slip and fall on his arse.
Mummy and Peter and Jane are the only ones to laugh and point at the fat boy. It is a bonding moment.
The Sports Day is finally drawing to a close.
The headmistress waddles to the podium, Mummy thinks to declare the horror over.
Instead, it seems her Lulu Lemon leggings have cut off her circulation, causing her to hallucinate that this is actually the Olympics, as she announces there will be a closing ceremony and then all the children will be presented with medals.
"What the fuck?" says Mummy in despair, as she is forced to endure twenty uncoordinated children flapping bits of material around out of time to some fucking pan pipe music.
"Gin" whispers Mummy to herself "Oh how I wish there was gin."
Mummy resolves that next year she is going to bring a hip flask. Actually, make that two hip flasks.