Today, Peter and Jane are going on holiday to Abroad, with Mummy and Daddy.
Mummy has spent the last week cleaning the house, washing all the holiday clothes for everybody and packing for Peter and Jane and herself.
Daddy says "Why are you bothering to clean everything before we go away? It will all still be here when we get back."
Mummy says "That is the fucking point, you twat."
Daddy has looked for his sunhat, failed to find it, asked Mummy to find it, complained there is no need for Mummy to be like that and put some shorts and t-shirts in a suitcase.
Peter and Jane are at the airport. Daddy is checking everyone in because he is busy and important.
Mummy is trying to stay awake because she has been up since 4am.
Peter and Jane are crazed with excitement about their holiday.
Peter and Jane are demonstrating how excited they are by repeatedly ramming their Trunkis into the ankles of other passengers.
Mummy hates those fucking Trunkis. They seemed like such a good idea when she first saw them, but they are evil weapons of mass destruction.
Peter and Jane are waiting in a very long queue to get through security.
Daddy insists they change queues every five minutes because he is convinced that by doing so, he is somehow beating the system. At least this gives Peter and Jane a new set of people to attack with the Trunkis.
After security, Daddy consents to a brief stop in Duty Free to buy holiday gin.
Mummy loves Duty Free, it is a Glittering Wonderland of Hope and Joy.
Daddy has grabbed the holiday gin and is trying to stop Peter and Jane from charging a tower of Toblerones with the Trunkis, while Mummy has been distracted by perfume samples and shiny make up.
Mummy tries on all the free perfumes and then feels a bit sick.
Mummy wonders if her life would be different if she had one of those little travel boxes of make up that they only sell in Duty Free.
Daddy drags Mummy away from the Lovely Things, because he is very anxious about Finding The Gate.
Peter and Jane have tired of their Trunkis and given them to Mummy to carry.
Daddy cannot carry the Trunkis because he has the boarding passes and passports and he is also Finding The Gate. Only Daddy can Find The Gate.
"The gate is that way." says Mummy.
Daddy ignores her, for Mummy is not the Gate Finder.
"The gate is that way." says Daddy.
"That is what I said, you knob." says Mummy.
Peter and Jane are on the aeroplane.
Mummy is not speaking to Daddy and has threatened to stab him more than once.
The only reason Mummy has not made good on this threat is because airport security measures prevent her from having anything to stab him with.
Mummy swears if he makes one more patronising comment to her though, she is going to drink the holiday gin and bottle him with the empty.
"Did you manage to find my sunhat?" asks Daddy.
"We are bored, Mummy. What can we do? When will we be there?" ask Peter and Jane for the twenty seventh time, as they relentlessly kick the seats in front of them.
Mummy cannot fucking wait for the nice lady to come round with the trolley full of booze.
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