Friday, 19 February 2016

Peter and Jane And The Sleepover.

Today is Friday

Jane is having a sleepover.

Peter is discouraged from having sleepovers, because when he does, the whole house smells of fart for days.

Mummy also suspects all groups of small boys are conspiring to set things on fire.

Jane's friends have arrived for the sleepover.

Jane has invited Tilly, Milly, Lucy, Katie and Sophie. 

Mummy tries to remember their names, but they have blurred into one amorphous wittering ball of hair and glitter.

Mummy gives The Tillymillylucykatiesophiejane Budgie some dinner.

Mummy is definitely not going to have any gin tonight while she is responsible for Other People's Children.

"Are these chicken nuggets homemade?" asks Milly.

"My Mummy only lets us have homemade organic chicken nuggets." says Tilly.

Mummy lies that the chicken nuggets are definitely homemade and eyes the gin bottle longingly, while hiding the Findus box.

"Actually, I am a vegetarian." says Lucy.

"OOOOOOH, tomato ketchup!" squawks Katie.

Katie is not allowed tomato ketchup at home.

Sophie is not allowed tomato ketchup at home either.

Katie and Sophie put the judo lessons their mummies have been paying a ridiculous amount of money for to good use, by wrestling over the tomato ketchup.

There is now tomato ketchup all over the kitchen, and all over Katie and Sophie.

Mummy feels her will to live ebbing away and opens the gin.

Tilly, Milly, Lucy, Katie, Sophie and Jane have been playing 'makeovers'.  

Tilly, Milly, Lucy, Katie, Sophie and Jane now look like tiny drag queen hookers.

A thick, choking cloud of glitter drifts through the house.

Mummy wonders if she should complete their hooker look by offering them a gin.

Mummy thinks "No.  That would be bad, because this is my gin and I do not want to share it."

Peter wants to play with the girls.

Peter knows a good game.

Peter's game is called 'Running Into Jane's Bedroom, Farting, And Running Out Again.'

Peter is very good at this game, because he has been saving up his farts all day to play it.

Every time he runs in, the girls all scream like banshees.

Jane screeches if he does it again, she will superglue his bottom shut.

Mummy knows there are witnesses to her parenting tonight, so she tells Jane that she must not speak to her brother like that.

Peter runs in and farts again.

The girls all scream again.

Mummy shouts that if Peter does that again, she will stick a cork up his bottom and then fucking superglue it shut.

"My mummy doesn't let us say 'fart'" says Lucy

Mummy's head hurts, and she would quite like to slap bloody Lucy.

Now it is bedtime.  

Mummy has locked Peter in his own fetid lair.

Tilly, Milly, Lucy, Katie, Sophie and Jane are trying to take off their make up.

Mummy's White Company towels are now liberally caked in lurid smears of blue eyeshadow and cerise lipstick and tomato ketchup.  

And the glitter.  Oh dear God, the glitter.

However, Tilly, Milly, Lucy, Katie, Sophie and Jane have not stopped wittering like demented budgies for six hours, and Mummy no longer cares about anything but gin.

The next morning Tilly, Milly, Lucy, Katie and Sophie are collected by their mummies.

Ten minutes before the other mummies arrive, Mummy gives Tilly, Milly, Lucy, Katie and Sophie a big bag of Haribos each and tells them to eat them very quickly.

Mummy is smiling through her hangover as she waves goodbye.

Mummy stops smiling when Peter opens his window and pisses out of it, because she forgot to unlock his bedroom door.

Poor Mummy.  

Sunday, 14 February 2016

Valentine's Day With Peter And Jane.

Today is Valentine's Day.

On Valentine's Day, you give special cards and presents to people you love.

Peter has given a card to Susie Watson. 

Susie Watson has blonde hair and blue eyes and smells like synthetic strawberries.

Peter would like to marry Susie Watson when he grows up.

Susie Watson is pleased with Peter's card, but she does not tell him that Johnny Smith and Thomas Simpson have given her cards too.

This is because Susie Watson is already a bit of a tart.

Jane has been given a card by Freddie Dawkins.

Jane is appalled by this. 

Freddie Dawkins is a ginger speccy four eyes who eats his own bogeys.

Jane tears Freddie Dawkins' card into tiny pieces in front of him and tells him to fuck off.

Jane stamps on Freddie Dawkins' heart and condemns him to a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships with women.

Daddy says Valentine's Day is a fucking rip off, foisted on us by card shops and florists.

Nonetheless, Daddy has bought Mummy flowers and a card and is taking her out for dinner tonight.

Daddy tells Peter this is because Mummy will throw a fucking shit fit otherwise.

Daddy tells Peter to never get married.

Daddy says women are deranged harpies who bleed you dry, and send you to an early grave. 

Peter is sure Susie Watson will never drink gin and shout all the time like Mummy does.

This is because Peter does not know about PMT.

Mummy is relatively happy with 
the flowers and card, but also a bit fucking cross that Daddy has not bought any shiny things for her.

Mummy tells Jane to never get married, because men are liars who trap you with false promises and then steal your youth and crush your dreams.

Jane knows she is not ever going to get married anyway, because boys smell, but if Jane did get married she would marry a good husband who does not work all the time like Daddy does.

Daddy says he has to work all the time because fucking Mummy spends all his money on sodding shoes and cunting cushions.

It is true that Mummy does have a lot of shoes and cushions.

Mummy and Daddy are ready to go out. 

Mummy is wearing a dress that shows her bosoms. 

Daddy says the evening is looking up.

Peter and Jane wonder why he says it's looking up, when it is plain to everyone that he is looking down Mummy's dress.

Peter and Jane watch TV with the babysitter and wonder if Mummy and Daddy have any idea how much therapy they are going to need when they grow up.

Later, Peter and Jane are woken up by the sound of Mummy and Daddy making drunken noises in the sitting room.

Peter and Jane both avoid the sofa the next morning. 

There are some very dubious stains on it.

Friday, 12 February 2016

Peter and Jane and the Rainy Day.

Today is a rainy day.

It is also half term, so Peter and Jane do not have to go to school.

Denied her state funded child care for a week, Mummy has been forced to rely on unlimited Netflix instead.

Today Mummy has been looking at Pinterest though, and so Peter and Jane are doing crafts with Mummy, so Mummy can show off to strangers on the internet too.

Mummy is shit at crafts.

Peter and Jane are shit at crafts.

'What the fuck is this bollocks you have made?' Mummy says.  

Peter and Jane and Mummy are going for a walk in the rain.

Mummy thinks if they are all outside where there are witnesses, she is less likely to kill Peter and Jane.

'Don't fall in that muddy puddle, Peter.' Mummy says.

Peter falls face down in the muddy puddle.

Mummy knows that children can drown in only an inch of water.

Mummy does not hold Peter face down in the puddle.

Only a small part of Mummy wanted to do that anyway.

Peter and Jane are feeding bread to the ducks.

A lady comes over to talk to Peter and Jane.

'Do you know that bread is very bad for the ducks?' the lady asks.

The lady tells them they can buy special organic duck food in the visitor centre.

Mummy tells the lady to fuck off and the Dog pisses on the lady's leg.

Mummy takes Peter and Jane into the Visitor Centre cafe for a treat.

Mummy tells Peter and Jane not to squeeze their juice cartons.

Peter and Jane squeeze their juice cartons.

Jane says Peter's biscuit is bigger than hers.

Peter tells Jane that is because Mummy loves him more than Jane.

Jane tries to stab Peter in the eye with her straw.

People begin to stare.

At home, Mummy puts Netflix back on, and opens the gin.

Mummy gets a straw.

Mummy logs in to Pinterest and thinks about running away.

Mummy would like to run away to a quirky cottage, with vintage keepsakes arranged amusingly in unusual ways, and tasteful yet practical craft projects displayed on the walls, and children that are not Peter and Jane.

Actually, Mummy will not have any children in her quirky cottage.

Mummy is so over children.

Friday, 5 February 2016

Meet Peter and Jane

This is Peter.

This is Jane.

This is the Dog.

Peter and Jane live in a house with Mummy and Daddy. 

Mummy isn't talking to Daddy, because Daddy fails to appreciate what fucking little bastards Peter and Jane are, and how tired Mummy is from washing Daddy's pants and not killing Peter and Jane.

  Mummy would like Daddy to show his gratitude by buying her shiny presents. 

Mummy thinks Daddy is a twat, and can whistle if he thinks he'll get a shag out of her. 

Daddy thinks Mummy is a bit of a psycho who has spent all the money for shiny presents on tat and gin.

On Monday, Peter writes in his school journal about what he did at the weekend. 

Peter writes 'Mummy got pissed up on gin and let me watch the Inbetweeners.  I learned lots of new words like 'Buswanker' and 'Clunge'.  These are good words.  The Inbetweeners is funny.'

Peter brings his journal home to show Mummy.

There is a note in his journal for Mummy, from Peter's teacher.
Mummy says "What the fuck did you write that for?" 

Peter says "Because that is what happened, you buswanker." 

Mummy says "Why couldn't you just make something up, you little shit?" 

Peter thinks Mummy is a hypocritical bitch. 

The note from the teacher is not a nice note. 

Mummy has a little gin, even though it is Monday.

On Tuesday, Jane has PE. 

Mummy has accidently given Jane the wrong PE kit. 

Jane has Peter's PE kit. 

The other children point and laugh. 

Jane thinks dark thoughts. 

Jane would like to stab the other children and set Mummy on fire. 

Thinking these things makes Jane happy again.

On Wednesday, Peter and Jane go to Granny's house for tea. 

Peter and Jane like Granny's house. 

Just before Mummy picks them up, Granny gives Peter and Jane some noisy toys to take home and lets them eat a big bag of Haribos.

Mummy says fucking Granny needs a one way ticket to Switzerland.

Peter and Jane don't understand why Mummy wants Granny to go to Switzerland. 

If Granny was in Switzerland, she could not give Peter and Jane noisy toys and Haribos.

When they get home, Peter and Jane bounce off the walls and scream for several hours, while Mummy cries and drinks gin.

On Thursday, the Dog pisses on the sofa. 

Peter knows Mummy loves the Dog more than him, because when Peter pissed on the sofa, Mummy said he was a revolting little fucktard, and she was going to sell him to a fucking zoo. 

When the Dog pisses on the sofa, Mummy says he is a naughty-waughty boysie. 

Peter kicks the Dog when Mummy isn't looking. 

Peter does not like The Dog.

On Friday, Peter and Jane have pizza for tea, as a treat. 

Mummy says it is a treat, but Jane heard her saying it is because she is sick of cooking for those ungrateful little twats. 

Jane does not care, Jane likes pizza. 

While Peter and Jane eat the pizza, that Mummy only burnt a little bit, Mummy gets stuck into finishing the litre bottle of gin she has been steadily working her way through all week. 

On Saturday, Mummy takes Peter and Jane to the park. 

Peter and Jane like the park. 

Mummy does not like the park.  Mummy has a hangover and would like the world to fuck off now please.

Peter and Jane play on the swings. 

Mummy sits on a bench and considers the existential black hole that is her life. 

Mummy decides to cheer herself up by looking at Facebook and finding someone to judge.
While Mummy is looking at Facebook, Jane falls off the swing and hurts her knee. 

Mummy does not notice Jane is screeching about something until Jane bleeds on her.

Mummy placates Jane with a lollipop of dubious antiquity. 

Peter screams that this is unfair. 

Mummy finds a mouldy jelly baby at the bottom of her bag and convinces Peter it is meant to be that colour.

When Peter and Jane have stopped crying, Mummy shouts at them until they assume a pose that Mummy deems worthy of Instagram. 

Mummy posts the photo of Mummy, Peter and Jane having a lovely day in the park in the hope that it will make other people feel a bit shit about themselves. 

Mummy also hopes it will help bolster the illusion that she is a loving and competent parent instead of a barely functioning alcoholic.

Mummy wonders if it is time for gin yet.

On Sunday, some people go to church. 

Peter and Jane do not go to church, because Mummy and Daddy say there is no God and there is only a empty, black void after we die. 

Instead of going to church, Peter and Jane watch Netflix while they wait for Mummy and Daddy to get out of bed. 

There are funny noises coming from Mummy and Daddy's bedroom. 

Peter and Jane turn up the volume on Netflix.