Peter and Jane and Parents' Night

Today, it is Parents' Night at Peter and Jane's school.

Peter and Jane have come along to Parents' Night with Mummy and Daddy because Bloody Granny is on another cruise and Mummy isn't forking out for a babysitter for Parents' Night, especially with the rate Granny is spending Daddy's inheritance.

Daddy offered to stay at home with Peter and Jane but Mummy was not falling for that old chestnut again, and anyway, she suspects the school is starting to think she is a mad fantasist who has invented a husband, due to Daddy's great skill at making up excuses.

If Mummy had invented a husband, she would have invented a better one than Daddy.

Peter says "Look at the paintings outside my classroom!  Can you tell which one is mine?  Do you like it?"

Mummy and Daddy cannot tell which painting is Peter's unless they look at the name at the bottom, because all the paintings look exactly the same, with slightly varying degrees of shitness.

Mummy thinks that it is nice to see that Freddie Dawkins has finally stopped painting using his own bodily excretions though.

Peter's teacher calls Mummy and Daddy into the classroom.

Mummy and Daddy cram themselves into the humiliating small children's chairs, while the teacher looms above them in her Proper Grown Up's Chair and Position Of Authority, and Mummy and Daddy try to smile ingratiatingly in a way that says "We are respectable, middle class parents, honestly".

Peter's teacher is called Mrs Jackson.

Mrs Jackson thought she would have retired to the Costa Del Sol with Mr Jackson at least five years ago, but Mr Jackson ran off with a perky, blonde, thirtysomething slapper he met in the Foreign Food aisle in Asda, and so Mrs Jackson and her shattered dreams are still here, nursing her bitterness against the world under the guise of imparting knowledge and wisdom to young minds.  If only she had sent him to Waitrose for that jar of olives.

Mrs Jackson regrets the new political correctness that forces her to say positive things about the hateful little bastards who try to suffocate her with their farts and fatuous questions each day, but Mr Jackson cashed in the pension fund to pay for his new twins, and Mrs Jackson needs this job.

"Peter is a very spirited child" says Mrs Jackson, by which she means "Have you considered Ritalin?"

"Peter has a very unique way of looking at the world." adds Mrs Jackson, meaning "It's a shame they closed the Borstals, he's a prime candidate, the little fucker."

Mrs Jackson says "Peter needs to learn to manage his challenging behaviour by himself." because Mrs Jackson will go prison if she belts him.

Mrs Jackson says "Perhaps we can work together to find ways to help Peter focus." ie "If you put Haribo in that little twatbag's lunchbox one more time, I am going to find you and I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!!!"

After Mrs Jackson, it is time to find Jane's classroom.

There are many gaudy paintings outside Jane's classroom too, with Perfect Lucy Atkinson's shitty copy of Van Gogh's Sunflowers taking pride of place amongst the other admittedly slightly more shitty copies.

"Where is your painting, Jane?" asks Mummy.

"I destroyed it in a protest against the subjective institutional prejudices of the establishment.  I will only make art for the sake of art, not for the tawdry baubles of shallow reward The Man tries to buy our souls with." replies Jane loftily.

Mummy assumes this means Jane ate her painting in a fit of rage because Perfect Lucy Atkinson's painting was deemed better than hers, and resolves that maybe letting Jane watch BBC4 wasn't quite the educational experience Mummy had hoped for.

"That's nice, darling." says Mummy. 

Jane's teacher calls them in and Mummy and Daddy once more perch uncomfortably.

Jane's teacher is called Miss Melrose. Miss Melrose is 23 and this is her very first job as a teacher.

At the start of the year, Miss Melrose was a shapely bouncing bundle of pink cheeked enthusiasm, ready to shape young minds and influence the future.

Miss Melrose could already see the interviews with the future greats and goods of the country in which they named Miss Eleanor Melrose as the most significant figure of their formative years.

Miss Melrose was pretty sure by the end of the first week her class would be standing on their chairs and shouting "Oh Captain, my Captain!" when she walked in.

Six months later, Miss Melrose is ashen faced and has gained two stone, as comfort eating chocolate HobNobs under her desk while crying is now her sole pleasure in life.

"Jane is very creative." mumbles Miss Melville.

"We need to help Jane to channel that creativity in a positive way."

Miss Melville's voice says this, but her eyes say "Help me.  Please help me to stop Jane from stabbing the other children when they thwart her.  The other day she found my  HobNobs and made me pay twenty pounds to get them back.  She is feral.  Please make it stop.  Please"

Mummy and Daddy try and remove their knees from their nostrils and remember how to walk upright.  

Parents' Night is much nicer for the parents now no one is allowed to tell them their child is a shit-for-brains delinquent.

Mummy and Daddy leave feeling quite proud of Peter and Jane.

If they can ever shift the stench of decades old gravy and child fart from their coats, it could be considered quite a successful night.